Sunday, January 20, 2008

Journaling December 23rd-26th, 07

Journaling December 23rd, 08
Today we got up at the butt crack of dawn to go to breakfast and then head to Detroit. Of course I was the driver again. Breakfast was great I split it with mom and still had some left over so I thought I did a good job I gave even part of my omlette to Chris so I thought I was doing really good. Then we went to the game. Watched the lions beat the chiefs because of mistakes and then drove back to flint. Boy at this point I was freaking sick of driving. I also hadn't eaten anything since breakfast so I thought I was doing okay because at least I wasn't over eating. On our way to Flint dad gets a call from mom and I can tell she is very upset. But he wouldn't tell me why. So a million things start running through my head. WEll come to find out Sadie and Abe had ran away and she couldn't find them. She went to go looking for them and then they came running up to her...thank God. I felt awful that she was so upset but thats my mom for ya...gosh I love her. So we get to Flint and decide to go to BD's Mongolian bbq and I'm thinking crap I love this place. I know I am going to over eat here. This is when I decided to just get soup and salad and skip the main course. I was totally proud of myself thinking I am awesome for this and blah blah blah. Also I didn't work out but all the walking in Detroit I had to be doing okay right???? We will see. We then went to see Elijah then got ready to head to South Bend. This drive to South Bend was HORRIBLE. I had to drive through whiteouts and I was freaking stressed out by the time we arrived in South Bend...well way before that but it really hit me when we got home. We get here and need my fatherinlaw to move their rental car. We get our suitcases out and he goes through all of them and finds no keys. We call home and mom says they are still there. In my head I was like please Lord no I can't drive that again. I actually went to my room and cried. Well Chris decided that he and his dad would leave early that morning and go meet mom and dad half way. Yes I finally got to sleep...sleep I SOOOO needed.

December 24th, 07
Well its Christmas eve. Sure doesn't feel like it. my inlaws went home and I'm now getting ready for work. Wow does this suck.

December 25th, 07
We took the boys to a waterpark for Christmas so they wouldn't be sitting at the house thinking about how they are here and not with a family. This was great. I ate a little too much today when we went to the chinese buffet. It was only one plate not even a full plate in reality but it was too much. Gosh I'm scared to weigh tomorrow my heart is racing. Today does not feel like Christmas to me. I'm sad I want to be with all the family. I have to find a job that I don't have to work on CHRISTmas for goodness sake. Merry CHRISTmas! Happy birthday Jesus! God thank you for sending your son to this earth for us!

December 26th, 07
I am distraught. I weighed and have lost nothing. I cannot believe this. Wow I feel like I'm crashing emotionally. This is the first week since the beginning where I have lost nothing. And I tried so hard to not over eat with all the eating out and stuff. What did I do wrong. I'm angry with myself, and sad for myself, and I just don't know. I need to just pick up my feet and keep going, but I'm so down about this right now. I will get it together! I'm just sad right now! This is not okay for me! So I went into work today for a meeting. Before I went into the meeting I checked my email to see the response I was getting from my boss about being mandated on New Years eve. Her response was this. It is not a holiday and I will just work it. Nothing more or less. This really pissed me off. I know she was just trying to be a "B" to me. Which is fine. I didn't need her to take me off I just needed a I'm sorry it worked out that way or something. But whatever. If she wants to come in and work it she can! I could freaking care less at this point. I'm boiling inside. I no longer want to be there. I no longer want to be in South Bend. I'm pissed about not losing weight. What the crap is wrong with me. And now I realize I didn't have time for workouts but that wasn't the problem. I didn't have time for God the past few days...and what is this season all about...HIM. I'm busy busy busy because of the holidays but its all suppose to be about HIM. Chris and I had to ask for forgiveness for not making time for what we should and should always be our number one priority. When Gods not in it, it can't be good. Lord help us to never put you on the back burner.Be with me and help me to have a better attitude, I know its okay to be mad but I shouldn't let the anger over take me. God you are so Good! Please be with us. And Lord you know our hearts and know we want to be pregnant...please make that happen. Thank you Lord AMEN!

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