Sunday, January 6, 2008

Journal entries 10/24-10/31/07

My starting weight was recorded the end of September but I didn't officially start my "fat binder" until 10/24/07 which is when my journal entries started...here they are....
October 24th, 07
Today I'm starting anew AGAIN! Will this ever work I'm not quite sure. I'm dying inside from this weight I carry. And that is just what it is WEIGHT! I cannot believe I have reached this point, I'm at the point that I use to say if I get that big just shoot me. This is unbelievable yet I see and live with it every day. So I am making this as accountability to myself and to God. I can't go on living and feeling this way. I'm scared of failure, but also scared of dying and most of all not being able to have a happy healthy pregnancy and have the child that I know my husband so wants as do I. So today I'm taking control...well with the help of God. I have hit an all time low in my life when it comes to how I feel about myself and how can I give love to the people around me who so deserve it when I'm in this place. I don't understand why my friends and family accept me this way, and I really don't know how my husband does, he is an amazing man...I am truly blessed. God I need help to get through and succeed and I know I cannot do it without you! I'm begging for help! I'm not sure how much longer I can put on a happy face and act like I'm okay with myself when in reality I'm so utterly disgusted whenever I look into the mirror. And whem I'm out I think that everyone around me must think how ugly I am. Please help me change this for me and for everyone who cares about me. So...HERE WE GO!

October 25th, 07
Today went pretty well. I heard on something today that there was no way for someone to lose weight with just eating 3 meals a day. You are suppose to eat throughout the day and not just sid and eat 3 large meals and nothing else. So that is exactly what I'm doing. Basically eating when I am hungry but portioning it. For example today for my snack I wanted triscuits and cheese. Now normally I will sit down with the box of triscuits and the block of cheese and just eat it. This time I cut 8 small pieces of chesse and got 8 crackers and left everything else in the kitchen. This really helped me know when to stop and I didn't even want anymore, however if I would have had the box in front of me I would have ate and ate. Also I am kind of proud of myself. Tonight Chris and I went to taco bell and normally when I go to taco bell I get a chicken quesadilla and a grilled stuffed burrito and I may even eat a few nachos along with it (yeah I know what your thinking what a fat pig...and your right)...however today when we went I definitely wanted to order that but insted when Chris gordered his combo meals I just ate the 2 extra tacos fromt hem(this is HUGE for me). I obviously have a super long way to go but I feel like the steps I am taking are the right ones. I know there is a long road ahead but I can't turn back if I turn back what is there for me besides no children, no life, not being able to do anything, and even if I have kids what will I be able to do with them, so there is absolutely no turning back. Food cannot be worth the loss of life and living life! I have to come up with a plan of what I am going to do whenever I feel the urge to eat something that I'm not suppose to. For now that plan is journaling, reading the bible, possibly having the things portioned before putting them up and maybe I could grab that insted. I'm not quite sure yet but I have to figure it out in order for this to work for me. My husband as always is a great support. And I know that he loves me just the way I am. But yet again I say I don't love me right now and I hate the way I am. So this is day 2 of the rest of my life! CAn I handle it...Well I better be able to or I wont be around for the rest of my life! Keep on KEEPING ON!

October 26th, 07
So today I am a little disappointed in myself. I mean I was very proud of myself at one point but then later crashed. So the hubby and I went to TGIF today. I ordered the 3 course meal. You get an appetizer, your meal and a dessert. Well I chose the healthy appetizer and the healthy meal and the cheesecake. I only ate a few bites of the appt. and helf of my salad and one bit of the cheesecake. Later on we went home and I completed the meal hoever I ate all of the cheesecake. I am so not happy about this. I should have had just the one bite at the restaurant and had Chris eat the rest of it. I am very disgusted with myself for falling into that. I mean the cheesecake was great but its not worth being FAT! So NO MORE SWEETS!!! I already know that the scale is going to go up tomorrow. I also did not exercise today. I will be honest I was completely lazy today and wanted to be...yet again I should have just done something especially since my fat butt ate that cheesecak gosh. Oh well crashed today...GET BACK UP TOMORROW!

October 27th, 07
Well its the morning of the 27th and yes I gained weight from that stupid cheesecake. That will teach me not to put that crap in my mouth again. I did however yesterday find a little cure for my seet tooth. Pop plain who grain popcorn in the air popper. Spray some low fat butter on it then sprinkle some cinnamon and splenda on it. It tastes great and is healty with no sugars!!! So next time I'm wanting cheesecake or coldstone creamery popcorn is the plan. I still con't believe I thought I could eat that whole piece of cheesecake and would still lose weight...oh well the past is the past I cannot change it but I can change what I do from here on out. So today I must be strong and fight the urse to eat things that I should not eat. I mean how bad do I want to lose weight right...bad enough to make soem sacrifices I just have to find the strength to do so. Gosh isn't it sad that I'm talking about how hard its going to be to sacrifice food...this sounds ridiculous. When did food become so important to me as in I feel I'm making a sacrifice. My mind set needs to change about food, it needs to be exactly what is it food and nothing more to me...I'm not sure at what point in my life it became more than food. I mean there is no reason that it should have. I haven't had a rought life. I havne' been abused or ever unloved. So really there should be no void that I am filling. And there isn't. So mindset needs to be food is food its here to give us envery and keep us fueled for out day but its nothing more than that!

October 28th, 07
Well its the afternoon of the 28th. Toda I am doing good I'm eating the small portions and just the right serving amount however I'm still feeling hungry today. I can't tell if its my mind or my stomach but I am resisting! I am very happy though, this morning I weighed again yes I know but I had to what it said after gaining weight after that cheesecake and I'm so happy to say that I lost the cheesecake wieght and I'm back to what I was the morning of the day I ate that so YAY! I have not yet exercised today I have been lazy, however I plan on exercising tonight...we will find out tomorrow if I followed through with what I said I was going to do. I mean if I con't what is my word really worth then right. Wel I don't have much to say today just I'm happy that I lost some wieght. And I'mstruggling with not going back to the kitchen for seconds but other than that I'm doing good and I haven't went back tot the kitchen for seconds so that has to be good. My hubby is doing a great job holding me accountable. I know it makes him uncomfortable but I love that he is doing what I asked him to do.He is amazing I'm truly blessed! Thank you Lord for blessing me so greatly! God id GOOD! And God is who is going to get me through so that I can succeed. Although I don't believe succeeding is just getting to a "goal" weight. I believe succeeding is changing my life style when it comes to eating. Finding out why food is so important to me. If I can change my drive for food into a drive for God...wow...what great things could happen. I mean I love the Lord and praise him for everyting. But I sit here and think if that passion I have for food was all directed to a passion for God...well just wow...so I guess today is the day we start to change that so focusing on food into focusing on the one who really counts. I need to pick up the word insted of picking up seconds. Gosh if your reading this you probably don't understand what is going on in my mind right now. But I just realized all the time I have wasted on desiring food, when my true desire should be God. I'm kind of in shock with myself really. So Lord Forgive ME!!! Change my heart! Change my passion! Chan ge my Desire! I'm following YOU!!!

October 29th, 07
Well so yes I did it. I worked out last night after work and after grocery shopping so YAY me. Not sure if I lost anything today because I didn't get even a second to weigh before going to work. I got called into work at 6:30 this morning. I took lots of small snack and did a great job of not over eating. After work I came home and worked out again(yay me). I then went back to work, then after work this time I went grocery shopping. I'm making my favorite lasanga. This will be a true test. CAn I portion it out and not over eat it???...YES I CAN and I WILL. Yes I like it but yeah I can have more tomorrow or the next day why would I think I need to eat a lot of it today...there is no reason for that. Its just food. I want my life more than I want that extra plat! God is Good and is helping me so greatly. Thank you Lord for providing me with a prayer partner when it comes to this weightloss I pray that you give her the stength as well. Well I don't have much to say today. So until tomorrow Good bye...keep up the good work!

October 30th, 07
So todays entry will be short and sweet. It is the end of the day and I'm very tired and don't feel like typing, however I told myself I would write in my journal every day so thats what I'm doing. Today we found out that I would be taken off Chris' insurance...this plain out sucks! Good news is that I had it while I did and that my surgery and all my tests from losing the babies were run while we had it. THANK YOU GOD! This also did not cuase me to go on an eating binge but made me think gosh girl you better get yourself in tip top shape and beome HEALTHY! Chris took this very hard and is stressing over it big time, maye I should be but I'm not. I'm leaving it in Gods hands and doing my part in finding out my other options. I hope Chris can give it over to God as well. God is sooo good. I did excellent with my protions today and I really hope the scale is my friend tomorrow so I have some evidence of the hard work I'm doing. I have been working out pretty much daily well the past 4 days which is big for me. So lets keep it up. Weigh tomorrow but don't get completely discouraged if it dosn't say what you want it to say just keep working hard. God will reward you and you will see the change. Dont forget to weigh weigh weigh int he morning!

October 31st, 07
Well I just weighed and I'm totally not happy. The scale didn't budge. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I am defintely not over eating. I am exercising every day so what is the freaking problem. I'm not quite sure. However I must keep doing what I'm doing and push through. Honestly this is probably just satan trying to make me fail and fall off track, and of course he uses my weakness to do so. But I'm stronger than that and satan has no hold on me. So yes I am disappointed and discouraged but this does not mean that I'm giving up on something that I know God will see me through. I'm changing my lifestyle, my eating habits so even if the numbers aren't fallin I'm becoming healthier and eventually the number will start going down. As for now maybe I should cut back a little on the carbs I do eat them a lot even though they are whole grain carbs but mayber I will have to switch a couple of them out for something else and see what happens then. Who knows. All I know is that I'm not over eating and I'm portioning things out and I'm proud of myself for that. I'm becoming a better person and I'm understanding mroe the role that food is suppose to play in our lives. Thank you Lod for this day. I'm not quite sure about this whole scale thing but I know you got things under control and satan is just attacking me. You are good and I know you will see me through! By the way today is halloween which is candy day...Lord don't let me fall into that temptation in Jesus Name! Amen! In addition to this I guess what Iw ill do is decrease the crackers and sun chips that I eat each day and replace it with protein. I will still have the crackers but maybe just once or twice a day insted of 3 times so I will get more protein in take than carbs.

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